How Not to Woo Your Potential Date Over IM

My friend Sheb describes the time he invented “Mustard Scotch” on a first date, in both an epic stroke of beverage genius and deal-breaking dating FAIL. This is his story.

Sheb: every
thing
came
back
NORMAL
(blood tests)
no sherpes
me: jeezus sheb
u are the king of hypochondria
Sheb: i AM
me: le munchausen-royale
Sheb: munch on this housing
me: el mondo sicko
Sheb: i gave myself polka dot cock
God really did a number on me
me: this is number two after the time i spent 6 hours in the emergency room from acid reflux that i thought was a heart attack
Sheb: hahahaha
yeah, that’s pretty incredible
anyways, i’m wrapping this thing in mesh steel from now on
me: you should put it in a shark cage
Sheb: i should put it in a bear trap
wait…