“lots of old original finishes” un-renovated

“Huge” / “Large” / “Sprawling” / “Oversized” hatbox-sized as opposed to shoebox sized apartment

“old charm” un-renovated

“Rail-road” pray you don’t wet yourself while you wait for your roomate to finish up the sexy-times so you can run through their room on the way to the can.

“Eating Kitchen” = Eat in Kitchen

“Eat in Kitchen” In normal cities, it means you can fit a table and chairs in the kitchen. In nyc burroughs, it means there is only enough room for you to eat over the sink.

“Flat” = apartment. Trying to classy it up with some British-isms.

“Under Market Value” It’s not. Land lord  is desperate to turn it around. Either its the recession or there is some fatal nasty flaw. Bet on flaw.

“Affordable” You’ll finally be able to subsist on brand-name ramen & peanut butter now.

“Junior 1 Bed” a studio in which the walls might slightly ‘indent’ at some point before expanding out again.

“2 room studio” you dont have to shower next to your microwave! safety first! or pee next to your fridge! sanitation!

“Cozy” Clostraphobic

“Cottage-like” low ceilings, normal ceilings for the ‘Elfen’

“Loft-like” ceiling will not graze your head if you grew up in North Korea during the great famine / or / someone nailed a home-made bunkbed into the wall

“quirky” / “edgey” / “unique” / “one of a kind” = F*cked up.

“A short step from..” / “A short stroll from..” at least 8-12 blocks from train stop or less rape-y area.

“Like Williamsburg used to be” Rape-y.

“Hurry! Will go fast!” I need to pay my rent! Broker FEE! FORK IT OVER!

“Don’t wait!” NO seriously, if I don’t rent this sh*thole I’ll have to live in it!

“has no picture attached” In the age where even the free phone has a camera, basically this place is somewhere suitable only for burial of the dead.