Hi, my name is Millie Miller, I am 14 years old and the wealthiest girl in all the greater Swedshon region and most of Pittjun County.* Jeez, you’re thinking, Millie Miller looks really wealthy, I’d like to look really wealthy like Millie Miller. Now slowdown Sally. Before we can help you look really wealthy, we must establish how wealthy you actually are (your wealth quotient, if you will). YOU ARE NOT WEALTHY IF…

Last week, I was sporting my extremely expensive floor-length Chinchilla vest while sitting with Jennifer and Donna in the cafeteria. I was casually chomping on my watercress sandwich when Vanessa “Earth Day” Robles strode up with her posse of bio-bangers and said, “It’s like you’re wearing the souls of 20 murdered animals,” and I was like, “It’s probably more like 50.” Then she stormed off with her dirty hair and cargo shorts