Wednesday night is movie night at château Loaf. Dad fries up a sugar-powdered heap of beignets (my dad was from New Orleans until he had to skip because of angry Armenians). I make funnel cake with my 8 year old sister Audrey (eventho I am 2 old to make funnel cake since I am 14, but my sis digs it). Mom sometimes runs out to Lotusblossum Supervideo to rent a VHS tape (Beta is 4 losers) but usually we just watch what is showing on TBS. Mostly the movies are pretty lame like with Burt Reynolds or Sally Fields (not the Fields that has the cookie store, that one is kewlio). But at least it gets me out of Kickball Wednesdays with the Funky Hunks, so I don’t have to pretend to like sports for one night at least (I am down with Freeze Tag, tho).

Anywaizz, last night we watched Sophie’s Choice. It stars Meryl Strep and is about a lady who is kidnapped (along with millionz of other peeps) by bad army guyz and then they make her pick which kid has to die (!!!!!! like what-le-truck, yo?). She has to choose (hence her Choice) between the boy or the girl. I won’t tell you who she picks to live (the boy), but it got my noodle think’n who my mom would pick if dorky soldiers (they didn’t even have rawk’n outfits like in Predator) made her decide between me and my sister Audrey. I have tabulated a check list to determine which of us my mom likes less. It lookz like this:

Chad Vs. Audrey: Who would mom pick like in Sophie’s Choice:

1. Audrey is 8 years old and dyslexic. I can read everything forwards. CHAD WINS

2. Last year for her birthday, I whittled mom an ashtray out of Irish Spring Soap (I forgot she doesn’t smoke). Audrey got hit by a car in the parking lot of The Steak & Egg after mom’s special dinner. She had to go to the hospital and mom said it was a birthday miracle that she didn’t die. AUDREY WINS

3. In all the fotos from when I was born, mom is crying. In all the fotos from when Audrey was born, mom is smiling and thumbs-upping. AUDREY WINS

4. Audrey has what they call ‘extreme vertical inscissorz overlap’ and will require lots of expensive dental work. I, however, have a perfect set of pearly whites. CHAD WINS

5. Audrey melted a box of crayons in the microwave because she was trying to ‘make a rainbow’ (stoopid, everyone knows you can only make a rainbow with lawn sprinklers on a summer day). Now everytime mom reheats fluffernutter crepes they taste like wax. The only thing i ever melt in the microwave is kraft singles on melba roundz. CHAD WINS

6. When I grow up I will become a jazz musician (I am already very talented at listening 2 jazz music). Audrey wants to be a doctor for red-headed orphans (?) and ponies. CHAD WINS

7. Audrey has a boyfriend (Cliff Crestebutte, I hear that he cuts his shirt in class with scissors and chews on his collar during recess). I almost might have a girlfriend maybe (Millie Miller, she is always smelling my hair behind my back and is a member of the Dudettes, the popular girl group equivalent of the Funky Hunks, of which i am not just a member but also the Secretary). CHAD WINS

8. I already have a lot of facial hair. Mom said I could shave if I want. Mom caught Audrey in the bathtub trying to shave her legs ‘like the big girls in 6th grade’ and went bonkerz with anger. She totally flipped her lid & had to have a Hot Toddy with supper that night to ‘calm herself.’ CHAD WINS

SCORE: Chad 6, Audrey 2

K so I technically win but I still think my mom would pick Audrey to live because Audrey is a girl and mom’s like girlz better (they can dress them up in dresses, make them wear lace-trimmed sox and braid their hair). I kno Merl Strep (Sophie) picks the girl to DIE, but that is a movie and movies aren’t real because they are not real life. So yeah, thank god there are no bad army guyz in Swedshon, Indiana because i would totally be in troubs.