There are so many amazing things going on with the cover art, titles and taglines…  like… I can’t even…

Tagline: How do you convince a woman to live life by different rules?

Answer: Rohypnol & Ryan Seacrest’s hair.

Tagline: Can the wrong guy ever turn into Mr. Right?

Answer: Who cares as long as he’s wet and angsty.

Tagline is missing because the title, Speed Dating, single-handedly maxed out the terribleness quota for cover copy.

Cameo by race car driver Carl Edwards – a cameo in a book…

Tagline: Can he convince her he’s a changed man?

Answer: Yes. That smart clipboard and far-off gaze scream I’m off the hookers and booze, baby.

Tagline: Trouble never looked so good.

Trouble looks like the kind of guy that won’t let you eat in his car.

Revised Tagline: They’ve invested too much [in sunglasses and spray tan] to give up now.

Tagline: She was born to race… deal with it!

The title, Speed Bumps, is actually referring to her coke habit.

Tagline: They would defy everyone they loved… for each other.

And now they are both serving back to back life sentences in Indiana.

And it took two authors to madlib-in the required race car references.

Whose next in future business cross-promotional pairings with Harlequin Books? Peterbilt. Jon Deare.

THIS THING:

IS LIKE THAT THING:

a. SJP in Sex & The City 2 banner ad

b. Magda from There’s Something About Mary

40th & 8th Ave.

It was later determined that kitteh was just full of cheezburger.

My Marlow Kitteh Strikes Again

AskMrVideo’s Perry got a little fresh with me this morning…

May 27, 2010: The East River will run pink with cosmo-colored vomit.

70ft Homage to the Innermost Circle of Your Personal Hell.

#WhyGodWhyAreYouDoingThisToMe

#MurdernMuhEyeBalls

#ClockworkOrangeTorturePlaylist

Bowl Fowl Fool Foul Sandwich. Photo complements of my friend Chloe. That is a bowl of shredded foul fowl. Where the hell is the sandwich?

Apparently, these degree classes are offered in a prison due to the amount of bending over illustrated.

And yes, “Yoga pose” is to “career” as “brain” is to “damage.”

Or “Things you wish you had thought of because now you would be drinking on a beach in Barbados counting money.”

I just… can’t.

I would like to go back to a time, a time before this image haunted my nightmares, a time called last Thursday. Dear Shutterstock, this is terrifying.

Your Guide to the Underground Barbershop next to A/C/E train @ Port Authority.

A. International Hairstyle Guide. There is no representation of the standard Samoan bob popular among the Pacific Islander demographic. For shame.

B. “We can cut your hair just like Sandy Duncan and Cathy Rigby circa 1990. Vest not included.” (vest can actually be bought next door at “BackWoods”).

C. “We are alternative lifestyle friendly. We’ll give you and your partner a two-fer: choose from anyone of our collection of ‘Newport Lites Late 80s Hairstyles,’ second cut ‘n blowout free (moose is extra). Note: this look also popular with our ‘country club sweater-cronies from Trading Places’ clientele.”

D. “We frequently manicure Andy Garcia’s quaff while head-stylist Deena transforms a Port Authority prostitute into a High-End Corporate Call Girl. Then we take pictures. (Deena is fantastic, we pilfered her from the Trenton Mall Glamor Shots.)”

Il Fin.

[which is a terrible movie, btw]

The Carnage of a nasty altercation involving two warring birthday cakes on S. 3rd st., Williamsburg. The mean streets of southside are no longer save for even the shrewdest baked good or savviest confection…

MY VERY SPECIAL christmas card was snapped by yours truly at the lorimer L station at approx 6 pm this very christmas eve. His scwhang was gingerly poking out from his gaping briefs while lounging comfortably atop his pants. I would have gotten a better shot but I didn’t want one.

His underwear were very white and appeared on all accounts both fresh and clean. His mother would be proud.

your welcome.

merry christmas miracle

Either he’s lactating or someone got a little too overzealous in Photoshop.