How [Not] to Video Date Online… Stay Tuned, kids. It’s gonna be painful.

“I just really need to output a baby stat on the cheap since my eugenics project’s funding was frozen on an ethics violation (yawn).”

I was like, “We’re not even sure the youngest is even YOURS…”

Our first date should be at PetSmart!

If I am drinking a Sea-Breeze, you are drinking a Sea-Breeze.

I’ve been watching “You’ve Got Mail” on repeat all weekend.

I could wear my mother’s wedding dress… and we could dance to Rosemary Clooney records.

…I was too busy combing flaxseed & nutritional yeast out of my hair.

Before glue and wax, I was really in to burning rubber.

“Honey, your [sic] trying to be a smat [sic] ass!”

I will make goulash or juicey balls

Businessmen eat sushi off my naked body