Originaly posted on Deb Webster Blog [dot] com

Hi, my name is Millie Miller, I am 14 years old and the wealthiest girl in all the greater Swedshon region and most of Pittjun County.* Jeez, you’re thinking, Millie Miller looks really wealthy, I’d like to look really wealthy like Millie Miller. Now slowdown Sally. Before we can help you look really wealthy, we must establish how wealthy you actually are (your wealth quotient, if you will). YOU ARE NOT WEALTHY IF… 1. Your garage fits only two cars. 2. You refer to your maid as The Cleaning Lady, and she gets to go home at night. 3. Stir-fry for supper. 4. Pepsi. 5. Your mom has always had the same face. 6. You are poor. Stop crying. You look so middle class when you cry. Dry your eyes girlfriend, because you can still look rather wealthy. I resolve to show you how because a) noblesse oblige, and b) my youth group leader Kirk says i need to do community service, so this is my community service. Get over it, Kirk. LOOK WEALTHY IN 5 EASY STEPS

1. Crab Fork

Eat everything with a tiny sterling silver crab fork. If you can only afford silver-plated, keep that information to yourself. Carry it with you at all times. I nestle mine in a golden velveteen pouch. Also, if you can’t eat something with a crab fork, it’s probably not very expensive (soup) and therefore eating it will not make you look any wealthier. A crab fork tells the world, I eat succulent shellfish so often that look, I HAVE to carry the special fork with me. In a land-locked state like Indiana, the crab fork communicates that you can pay well-over the market price for blue crab or rock lobster all day, every day. Do it.

2. Fur and/or Hides

Always don at least one item scraped from the back of a small to medium sized mammal or large bird (ostrich). This is okay because you did not kill it, your dad’s visa did. If that girl with the earth-day shirt hassles you, tell her you’ll wear her if she doesn’t shut her maw (although you never would because her hair is greasy and she smells like wax). Most expensive furs: Sable, Mink, Ermine, Lynx. Budget furs: Fox, Chinchilla, Rabbit. Do-it-yourself furs: possum, badger, beaver, raccoon. In Swedshon, we have an abundant supply of such critters. My friend Donna scored herself a coonskin coat by throwing a bear trap and some macaroni in her trash can. She lives in East Swedshon (gross) so it wasn’t hard to find someone with a fridge in the front yard who could skin the little devils. From 200 yards, the coat makes her look mildly wealthy.

3. Camera Pen

I have a high-definition, platinum Takaiyakutso Camera Pen with an emerald encrusted grip (i look thinner in green). My camera pen has a two-prong purpose: 1) I can record hiqh-quality video of my friends doing dorky stuff that i frequently find useful when persuading Jennifer to share her chips, 2) anything impossibly small that should be big is expensive looking. If you cannot afford the camera pen, you can fake it by spray-painting a Bic a metallic hue, rolling it in glitter, and gluing a glass button to the end. If some jerkface calls you out and insists upon viewing the footage, tell him to buy a clue for 200, Alex — it wirelessly downloads to the chapstick-sized computer inside your personal safe due to obvious security concerns.

4. “C’est tres _!”

I don’t speak french, and neither do you. My mom claims she does, but she also claims to turn 30 every year. I refuse to let my Spanish-biased school district restrict my language bank, and so should you. French is timelessly classy and hence wealthy by logical inference. Once every hour, whether noshing at the cafeteria table or chucking a bowling ball down the alley, exclaim “C’est tres cool/dorky/rad/expensive!” Simple. C’est (say•est) + tres (tray) + context appropriate english adjective. You not only look wealthy, you sound wealthy.

5. Hitting

Hit someone. Or kick. Whatever. Assaulting someone says I can smack you because my dad has a lawyer on retainer. So wealthy. I make slapping some scrub with the back of my hand a thrice-daily routine. In two years, i will trade in my paw as the weapon of choice for a bright shiny moving vehicle (only just a love pat from my gold-plated grill, I am not in to manslaughter). Important note: be sure that whoever you hit is financially inferior in case of a civil suit, as such nuisances can drag out indefinitely and turn into a test of not so much wills, but rather resources. Beating on someone from East Swedshon (also known as “Dog Patch”) is a safe bet. There you have it. With my 5 easy steps, you have no excuse not to look even the slightest bit wealthy. Wipe off the poor and hop to it.

$$$ -Millie Miller *There is one girl in Pittjun County, Tegan Flesher of Kupfer Creek (south of Swedshon), who is slightly wealthier. However, she is home-schooled and has a an underbite.

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